Saturday, March 31, 2007

Hepatitis Outbreak Traced to Wheelie Bags

A recent hepatitis outbreak at GW Law School has been traced to the rampant use of "rolling backpacks."

Asked how the so-called "wheelie bags" were responsible, a CDC official explained "students wheel these things across urine-soaked public restroom floors, through the Metro - and then put them up on the desks and tables that other students eat off of."

Because of the infestation, the CDC has ordered GW students to wear hazmat suits on campus between classes, and have confiscated all wheelie bags.

Wheelie bag proponents have responded with outrage at the accusations and the seizure of the wheelie bags. "I am OUTRAGED! How will I justify riding the elevator from the First to the Second Floor without people giving me shameful looks?!"


A recent tape from Osama Bin Laden claimed responsibility for GW Law School's decline from 19 to 22 in the US News 2007 Law School rankings. According to the tape, "My Foggy Bottom Al-Qaeda agents have successfully stolen enough books from your Burns Library to drop your school from 19 to 22... Now that you are out of the top 20, you will all end up as personal injury attorneys! [diabolical laughter]"

According to translators who listened to the tape, another voice then can be heard whispering to Bin Laden, "Sir, most of GW's graduates already DO become personal injury lawyers... it's their CDO, sir... it's just not that great."

One unnamed CIA analyst surmised that Osama may have orchestrated the crash because "he has already taken responsibilty for every damn thing that's gone wrong - 9/11, anarchy in Iraq, the Housing Market bubble bursting, Dancing With The Stars - law school rankings were all that were left."

Mormons Throw Thirst Thursday Kegger; Deny Root Beer to Underaged 1Ls

While co-hosting the last Thirsty Thursday, the Mormon law society "J. Reubens Clark" had to play hardball with several underaged 1Ls attempting to sneak access to the Old Dominion Root Beer keg.

Said one Reubens representative, "I feel for these kids, but the law is the law. I can't in good conscience go willy nilly handing out a hardcore beverage like root beer or, dare we consider it, ginger ale, to an underage student. What if that student decides to drink and ride the metro? That would be on my conscience for the rest of my life."

The Reubens initially offered the Root Beer with an ice cream "float" option, though the ice cream ran out early - to the sadness of many of the law school's sober constituents.

According to one student, "I can't drink root beer for religious reasons, so I was really excited about the ice cream. I was going to order a Virgin Root Beer Float - you know, a Root Beer Float, hold the Root Beer - but they ran out of ice cream too early."

GW Law Professor Exhumes Sinbad's Body; Comedian Sues for Battery

GW law professor Jim Starrs, who is set to exhume Houdini's body to determine if Sir Arthur Conan Doyle of Sherlock Holmes fame had him poisoned, is being sued by comedian Sinbad for battery. Professor Starrs reportedly attempted to perform an exhumation on Sinbad.

At a press conference, Professor Starrs presented "incontrovertible" medical evidence that Sinbad was, in fact, deceased prior to the exhumation. "Just check out his profile - the last thing he did that looked like it had a pulse was that 1996 movie Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote, Jingle All The Way ... The apparently erroneous report I read on Wikipedia that he was dead was just a confirmation."

Sinbad commented on the experience of being exhumed alive, "That's some scary stuff, man, coming at me with like a knife and some chemicals and tubes up my nose. That's emotionally distressing."

SBA Monarchy Builds Palace Office

The new SBA monarch has turned the SBA Office into a palace, with
to luxurious trappings including golden curtains, life-size Roman statues, and free-flowing candy for officers.

Said the SBA Press Secretary, "this palace isn't about self-aggrandizement - this is about providing the amenities that the SBA officers have earned through hard work, loyalty, and siphoning off funds from your tuition."

The SBA assured auditors that no funds were unnecessarily spent on the construction of the palace. "Just like the ancient Egyptians doled out beer to numb the pain of forced labor building the pyramids, so do we promote Thirsty Thursday, Bar Review..."

In other news, the Mock Trial board, EJF, ELA, the ADR Board, and the Government Contracts Journal have agreed to work together to purchase a new stapler. "This joint endeavor was clearly necessary given our already stretched budgets- things like paper aren't free" said the incoming president of ADR.