Monday, March 19, 2007

Law School Secedes From University; General Lawrence Rallies Troops on Quad

The Law School joined the School of Medicine in its bid to secede from the GW Undergrad University. Said General Lawrence of the decision, "The time has come when we must stand with our brothers in the professional schools -in opposing the tyranny wrought upon us by the Undergrad Institution." James Scott, Dean of the Medical School, called on "our brothers in the Business School to join us in this fight - stand no longer on the fence! Join us now in the fight for liberty, for justice, for upper-middle class values!"

The rift between the undergrad institution and the professional schools began when GW undergrad students, visiting the law and med schools for the first time during their student elections, noted the superior quality of the facilities. Riots by undergrad students called for "EQUALNESS FOR UNDERGRADS!" and "GIVE US A DECENT LIBRARY, OR GIVE US DEATH! OR IN THE ALTERNATIVE, GIVE US FREE BEER ON THURSDAYS LIKE YOU GUYS GET!"

The riots culminated as students toppled the Hippo Statue, outside Lisner auditorium. Said one angry anti-establishment undergrad, Jim Anderson, "Trachtenberg said it's a Hippo for Hope - yeah, whose hopes? ever notice the hippo looks like a pig? Capitalist pig! Also known as RICH DOCTORS AND LAWYERS!" Jim Anderson intends to run his father's multi-million dollar frozen yogurt emporium after completing his undergraduate degree in art history.

The Quad prepares for battle with undergrads

Kerr, Banzhaf To Star in Reality Shows During Sabbaticals

Professors Kerr and Banzhaf will each appear in reality TV shows during their upcoming sabbaticals - Professor Orin Kerr will be a contestant on next season's "American Idol" and Professor John Banzhaf will appear on "Survivor: Lubbock."

Said Professor Kerr, "Since I was a kid, I've been a huge fan of Donny Osmond, so I'll be performing two

of his biggest hits - Soldier of Love and Puppy Love. He's really my inspiration for this. I get my courage to kind of branch out beyond the legal profession from him. He's really had a vibrant, multivaried career himself."

CBS is pleased to have a law professor of Mr. Banzhaf's caliber appear on "Survivor: Lubbock." According to CBS, "We're taking the show to the next level with this season - Lubbock, Texas is one of the most dangerous locations in the world - cockroaches, poor people, Texas Tech University fraternities and sororities, and Piggly Wiggly grocery stores - these are all challenges that our savvy contestants like Mr. Banzhaf, Esq. will face."

Anthropologists and ecologists are concerned about the impact that filming the season of Survivor will have on the Lubbock ecosystem and indigenous inhabitants.

CDO Hires Fired US Attorneys

The US Attorneys recently fired by the Bush Administration are now working in various capacities within the GW CDO. On why he accepted the job, former US Attorney John McKay said, "I am disappointed with the president. I am disappointed with the attorney general. But mostly, I am disappointed that I am now flat-ass broke, and $10 an hour sounds pretty good."

John McKay, wearing a poor man's shirt

Former US Attorney Carol Lam said she is "happy" doing data entry in the CDO Library - "According to my DOJ performance reviews, I have just the right skill set for this job - prosecuting mob bosses and international terrorists was way beyond my capabilities, obviously."

Most surprising are the rumors that former US Attorney David Iglesias, after only a week as the "CDO door welcomer guy," has muscled his way into the number two position in the CDO and is making a play for the top spot. "He has such a baby face, we weren't expecting this type of machiavellian politics," said one insider, who then retorted, "ironically, as a US Attorney, neither was he..."

BabyFace Iglesias

GW Allows Homeless To Sleep In Moot Court Room In Exchange For Exam-Grading Services

In response to faculty complaints about “low pay and long work hours,” exacerbated by the stress of grading student exams, The Dean’s Office has launched “Operation: Home-more” which will offer DC homeless persons the opportunity to live in the Burns Moot Court Room in exchange for their exam-grading services. According to one professor, who asked to remain anonymous, "I teach a course a week and earn a paltry $500,000, and they expect me to grade 80 exams within 2 months?!"

The GW federalist society initially opposed the plan based on hygiene concerns. “Our founding fathers were concerned with the tyranny of the unwashed masses – as originalists, we cannot support a plan which will allow the unwashed masses into our bathrooms to, you know, become washed masses. We must maintain them as unwashed.”

In response to those concerns, the Dean’s Office installed G-World card swipers to all first floor bathrooms. When the homeless complained that the swipe-card access violated the agreement, the Dean’s Office responded, “read the fine print – if they wanted use of bathroom facilities, they should have contracted for them. We are, however, willing to give the homeless residents free parking in the Faculty Parking as consolation.” One homeless Moot Court room resident retorted, “yeah, well let’s see ‘em put card swipes on all those plastic plants!”

SBA News in Brief: Beer, Not Taking Exams, Guide New SBA Policy-Making

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Disappointed by the administration's lukewarm response to efforts to establish a "Flexible Exam Schedule" under the old administration, the new SBA is now considering a "Flexible Exam Swap." According to inside sources, system would allow students to take each other's exams or hire a third party to take exam "when a conflict arises."

Asked for comment on the new proposal, many 1Ls were elated. Said 1L James Wilson, "The policy says conflict??! Not scheduling conflict, right? Hmm is conflict in my Black's Law Dictionary? What if my conflict is that I didn't study, does that count? Hmm..."

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The SBA president-elect is demonstrating early on the value of a prestigious top-tier legal education with the new "Beer Tab Initiative." "It has become evident to me from my Criminal Procedure and Constitutional Law II courses that we, as a government, are failing our constitutional obligations," said the president-elect. "When I skimmed through my Legalines outline of Gideon v. Wainwright, it seemed the clear rule of law that a government is obliged to pay for the rights of its constituents - and it occurred to me - how many law students out there have the right to beer to anesthetize them from the woes of law school, but just haven't taken out enough in law school loans? That's where the student government's constitutional obligation, it seems, kicks in." The new administration hopes to implement the "Charity Beer Tab" shortly after inauguration.