Saturday, March 3, 2007

Bob Woodward: Supreme Court Justices Play Naked Twister, Ginsburg "Very Limber"


Almost three decades after Bob Woodward's groundbreaking inside-look at the Supreme Court in The Brethren resulted in complete radio silence by Court insiders, Bob Woodward has again breached the Court's veil of secrecy with a follow-up book, Brothas and Sistas.

Said Woodward, "I am very proud of the investigative journalism of this book. This book required dozens of interviews with clerks, anonymous Justices, and approximately 200 hours hiding inside Clarence Thomas' coat closet - I was worried that he would sense I was emanating on his penumbras."

One of the most startling revelations of the piece is that upon being made Chief Justice, William Rehnquist implemented a more "congenial, collegial" system to resolve close ideologically split cases, in an effort to mend harsh feelings left on the Court by his predecessor Warren Burger. Said one anonymous Justice, "Bill suggested naked Twister - he and Sandra Day learned it back at his Stanford days when they were dating."

Justice Rehnquist - clothed.
Another Justice, requesting anonymity, said, "when I came onto the Court in the late 80s, I was suspicious of Naked Twister for the ideological cases, given my conservative Catholic background, but I was surprised how much tension it relieved. You know how awkward it normally is when you start a new job? Not at the Supreme Court!! And as a bonus, I could channel all my Catholic guilt from our Naked Twister sessions into some GREAT DISSENTS."

Woodward said, "The Naked Twister tradition goes a long way toward explaining some of the more interesting culture war and ideology cases of the last 20 years - Cleburne, Romer, Lawrence, Roper, Bush. The liberals are just more limber - we can only surmise why - and after losing the game, one of the 'conservatives' had to side with the liberals. Kennedy generally loses the spin. Also, Ginsburg is the liberal's 'MVP' - she used to be heavily involved in gymnastics throughout high school and is still very limber. Rumor has it that Bill Clinton explicitly recruited her for that reason. We also learned that she twisted her ankle the week before Bush v. Gore - one can only imagine what the outcome would have been if she had been at the top of her game."
For GW students, Woodward's revelations bring a new level of intrigue to the recent Van Vleck competition entitled "THE ROAD TO ALITO," leaving many GW'ers asking themselves, "Is that really a road I want to walk down? Naked Twister with Samuel?"

"Dear Gabby" Scoops on Friedenthal's Wrinkles, CDO's Impotence

NOT THE BENE is proud to introduce advice columnist and answer guru Gabby Eastlake. Email her your questions at not.the.bene@gmail.com

Dear Gabby,

I'm the biggest civ pro groupie and Jack Friedenthal's book really gets me going. I'd like to know how old Jack Friedenthal is...? He has this cuddly Yoda look to him! -Infatuated 2L

Dear Civ Pro Fetishist,

Our dearest fertile octegenarian was born in 1931, which makes him 76. We agree that he is cuddly - but we wonder about your Star Wars Yoda reference - our John Lim Fan Club reports that Jack looks more like a Star TREK "ferengi" character than a Star Wars character. You be the judge!










Dear Gabby,

I am a 1L and I missed the meeting explaining what the CDO is. Can you enlighten me?
-Confused 1L

Dear More Likely to Get a Job,

First, kudos! You already figured out that "mandatory meetings" are better spent playing Nintendo Wii. Let's get down to the basics. CDO stands for "Career Disappointment Office." They give great advice about what skirts and ties to wear to interviews, but that's about it. For the rest of your employment needs, you're more likely to get a job if you keep doing what you're doing - skipping their meetings and using your time more wisely. But remember, even when you do land that sweet gig as a pro bono environmental attorney in Lake Woebegone, Minnesota, thanks to all your own hard work, the CDO will claim in their statistics that you got the job as part of their "Fall Interview Program."

Cart Lady Busted for Cartelization, Price-Fixing; Claims Framed by Uptowner Cafe



Federal prosecutors arrested the Cart Lady this weekend for engaging in cartelization in violation of the Sherman Act, and also on federal racketeering charges. Prosecutor Sam Jensen said, "we have a strong case against Ms. Cart Lady - have you ever noticed that all the overcooked, three day old hot dogs down H St cost the exact same amount? She has been leading the other cart vendors in price fixing for years."

The charges challenge the cuddly image of the Cart Lady, who was honored by an SBA bill in 2004. According to Vault.com, "students love her. If you are short on cash she'll feed you if you promise to pay her back later." Said Prosecutor Jensen, "sure she's easy to love if you promise to pay her back - but do you know how much a $1.50 soft pretzel costs after 20 weeks of 500% interest?? The Cartel enforcers aren't as easy to love."

Asked for comment, the Cart Lady responded, "Uptowner Cafe FRAMING me! They stealing my customers! They selling hot dogs $.99! and giant Pretzels with low-grade mustard! That MY TRADEMARK item!"

Uptowner Cafe declined comment.

Lameduck SBA Announces Online Law Journal, New Academic "Scholar" Distinction

Fighting back accusations that the recent SBA elections have left the current administration politically "toothless" to achieve its original goals, the SBA is swinging back with a whole new series of radical initiatives, packaged as the “Resume Revolution.”

• The SBA is pushing the administration to implement the "Leslie R. Caldwell Scholar" distinction to recognize the “academic excellence of the top 96%” of the GW class.


According to the SBA Press Secretary, "The SBA sees this Scholar distinction as a necessary remedial action to represent the vast silent, unrepresented majority of the GW student body. It's like Senator Roman Hruska once said, 'there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers and they are entitled to a little representation... We can't have all Brandeises, Cardozos, and Frankfurters.'"



Leslie R. Caldwell, Distinguished GW Alum

- Wearing Brandeis' Favorite Suit


• Due to the logjam in efforts to bring another journal to the school, the SBA is pushing ahead with a new “online” academic journal where students and professors can self-publish their academic work. The SBA Press Secretary expressed confidence the jouiurnal would havea a democratizing voice in legal academia. "We're tossing around ideas for what to call this innovative idea but tentatively, we think we might call it a blawg…” The online journal will be hosted at http://blawglawjournal.blogspot.com. Students and professors interested in publishing should contact not.the.bene@gmail.com

"We have heard rumors that Alex Long - just the type of Professor we think represents our target audience - is interested in publishing his long-awaited critique of the use of pop lyrics in judicial opinions and law review articles."[1]


When asked how a self-publishing online-journal would provide GW students with more resume opportunities, the SBA Press Secretary responded, "we haven't ironed out all the details of our non-traditional journal - sure, we won't need traditional 'editors' and we won't 'review' material before it's published, but let's not forget the truism we have learned from the last three SBA elections: MORE JOURNALS = MORE JOBS. We feel in our gut that that this journal will somehow equal more jobs."


[1] Long's statistical analysis of the use of pop music in legal cases has been hailed as "landmark" and "unorthodox." For example, Long writes "Paul Simon’s numbers are somewhat inflated because [] people sometimes cited just him [ ]when, in reality, the proper cite should have been to Simon & Garfunkel. I probably could have corrected for these kinds of mistakes, but I figured that Simon and Garfunkel already have enough friction in their relationship without me adding further to it. Plus, it would have meant more work for me." According to law professor John Dosen of Columbia, "This is radical - other lawyers pretending to be statisticians, what we call the classical school, would have just excluded Garfunkel via a footnote with an obscure reference to the Erie doctrine."

Cake Baron Buys E Building Name Rights; Stands As Symbol of Courage for All Who Want to Get the Hell Away From Legal Practice


GW students will soon hold courses in “CakeLove 101” due to a recent agreement reached between the law school and GW Alum Warren Brown.

Brown famously graduated with joint degrees from GW in Law and Public Health in 1998 with the goal of being a "reproductive health" advocate. After an enthralling half-year career with Health and Human Services, Brown "made a New Year’s resolution for 1999 [to] drop [his] fear of flour and learn the best ways to work with sugar."

Said Brown, “We’re really excited about the move. I just felt like now was the time to show my loyalty to my GW roots. Whenever I visit the law school, I’m inspired by the bake sales – the Criminal Law Society, the International Law Society, the Animal Rights Society – everybody bakes at this school!”

The CDO filed a formal protest with the sale of the naming rights. The CDO statement said, "The CDO has long had a policy discouraging students from abandoning student internships. The fact that Mr. Brown quit his 1L summer internship after 3 weeks sets a dangerous precedent for our students."

According to a JDBliss interview with Mr. Brown, the internship "was just all wrong... I thought [a few close colleagues would] tell me I should be ashamed of myself for quitting, but instead they all congratulated me for having the courage to do it. That experience helped give me the confidence to leave the law."

As part of the deal, Brown and the school will install a CakeLove factory in the basement of the old E Building. Students will have the opportunity to utilize the factory and work with Brown by enrolling in a 3-credit “CakeLove Pro Bono Clinic” where they can prepare baked goods for discrete and insular minorities.