Saturday, February 24, 2007

Lexis Rep Jealous, Creates Own Buffy Vampire Slayer Series

When Lexis Rep Natalie Timmers found out that her archnemesis Westlaw rep John Lim is starring as Sulu in an off-off-Hollywood fan-based Star Trek series - called STAR TREK NEW VOYAGES - she felt a twinge of jealousy. Said Timmers, "there's this stereotype that legal database reps are boring, dull, geeky people. John goes and breaks that stereotype with this Star Trek thing." Timmers' envy is well-founded - 66% of GW Law students surveyed said that starting your own Star Trek series was "cool" while only 33% said it was "weird - borderline nutty."

According to movie website, the series is a "'non-official' Star Trek incarnation, Paramount Pictures []owns the name and the rights to Star Trek [and] agreed to allow the producers of New Voyages to make these episodes on the condition that no profit was to be garnered from the show." The Editors of NOT THE BENE call on John Lim to make a full and complete accounting of Star Trek New Voyages, to assure complete compliance with this agreement - one can only imagine the profit potential for the series that might entice Mr. Lim and associates to play games with the Paramount Deal.

Said Timmers of the project, "My predecessor Tom O'Donoghue left Lexis to run for Congress as a Republican. Now Lim does this Star Trek fan-series thing -am I the last geeky, boring legal database rep at the school?!"

Never one to be outdone, Natalie Timmers decided to start her own para-TV series, starring herself as "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Asked about the status of the project, "We're still in casting - I want the law students out there to know that the role of Angel is still available!"

John's IMDB profile can be found at
John can be seen in a Star /trek fan episode on YouTube at

Supreme Court Replaces Justices with Actors

After coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith burial trial and Britney "shavegate" overshadowed many of the Court's major decisions for the term, Chief Justice John Roberts announced a new plan designed to put the Supreme Court squarely in the spotlight by making the Court "rad" and "tubular" - justices will be phased out in public appearances, such as oral arguments, with Hollywood actors.

Chief Justice Roberts said he was inspired by the success of the recent Geico commercials which pair real customers and celebrities to tell their auto insurance stories. While casting is still in progress, the Chief said, "we feel really excited about the choices we have made so far - with Scalia, we decided to pick two actors, because he is so mercurial - Platt, for the serious Scalia, and Brad Garrett (famous as the brother from EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND), for the more congenial and humorous Scalia." Inside sources say Platt was actually chosen after the Italian-American Garrett/Scalia wouldn't stop throwing his arms in the air and yelling from the bench, "EVERYBODY LOVES ROBERTS! EEEVVVERYBODY LOVES ROBERTS!"

The Court has released the following glamour shots of the Associate Justices and actors who have been tentatively selected to replace them:

1Ls Duped Into Taking Exams, Attending Lame Events; Beer, Pizza Suspected Culprits

GW 1Ls are fighting mad. From boring speakers, student organization meetings, exams, or comedy sketches, 1Ls are starting to notice that beer and pizza are being used as a type of "bait-and-switch." "We feel duped - we are starting to notice a trend," said Amy Holfpenfeffer, a 1L who went to Cornell for undergrad. "The signs all over campus say 'FREE BEER' and when we get there, we have to, like, do OTHER STUFF - how free is that?"

Said Matthew Wilkins of Rhode Island, "I guess I didn't make the connection until tonight - I followed the beer signs like usual - you know, the open tap, or the Thirsty Thirsty signs, or the Bar Review signs - except it was for a Saturday night, and I seem to recall a picture of a lady who looked like South American Communist dictator. Anyway, I get to the FREE BEER and instead, they made me watch this thing called LAW REVUE. I think it was a Mary Cheh lecture or something. It reminded me of last semester - I was promised free bar in December and lo and behold, I had to take something called a FINAL EXAM first."

Some 1L "conspiracy buffs" think the scam goes all the way to the top of the SBA administration. Said 1L Pavel Chekov, "They train us like Pavlov, man, the moment we walk in the door - they train is to stand in line with the promise of free pizza and beer. Sometimes, I just see a line, and I stand in it now - I can't help myself - I don't even know what the line is for... I ask the guy next to me, and he doesn't know, either. This type of sophisticated brainwashing - it can only be the [SBA] government."

While no direct evidence supports Pavel's theory, some have noted that the SBA's budget leaks pizza and beer money like a sieve. Said Andrea Smith, "Didn't the SBA, like, raise $3.20 by selling Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches to send people to help with Katrina? How much is the pizza and beer budget?"

Socrates Wants Socratic Method Back; Sues for Injunctive Relief

Korean Scientist Dr. Hwang announced today that he successfully cloned 5th Century BCE philosopher Socrates. Socrates, for his part, quickly adapted to 21st century life by hiring a cadre of lawyers to sue law professors everywhere for stealing his Socratic Method.

In a press conference, Socrates asked reporters, "When did law professors begin to use the Socratic Method to teach, and how pervasive is the use of this method in American schools? How essential is the Socratic Method to the the education of law students? If the Socratic Method is so endemic and beneficial to law students' education, how much compensation am I owed for its theft?"

Legal analyst Greta Van Grace said, "I think we can expect a very protracted discovery process for this case - lots of interrogatories on both sides, for sure."

Radical Liberal GW Feminists Sell Valentines, Baked Goods - Look Forward to Knit-Offs

GW feminists said they are pleased with the results of their wildly successful Valentines fundraiser, following the less-successful bake sale fundraiser. Said one Feminist Forum member "We couldn't think of a better way to spread the message of feminism than associating feminism with baked goods and Valentine's Day... we were a little worried it would make us look radical, but we are proud to wear the 'liberal' badge."

Spirits were low among GW feminists after the failed Bake Sale commemorating Roe v. Wade. "Apparently, no one wanted to buy cookies that were only half baked," said one Bake Sale member.

GW feminists are ready to plan their next stereotype-busting fundraiser. "We are thinking of either knitting mittens and scarves for orphans in sub-saharan Africa, or holding an 'Ice Cream and Grey's Anatomy' social to raise awareness for the plight of iPod-less law students."