Monday, March 19, 2007

Law School Secedes From University; General Lawrence Rallies Troops on Quad

The Law School joined the School of Medicine in its bid to secede from the GW Undergrad University. Said General Lawrence of the decision, "The time has come when we must stand with our brothers in the professional schools -in opposing the tyranny wrought upon us by the Undergrad Institution." James Scott, Dean of the Medical School, called on "our brothers in the Business School to join us in this fight - stand no longer on the fence! Join us now in the fight for liberty, for justice, for upper-middle class values!"

The rift between the undergrad institution and the professional schools began when GW undergrad students, visiting the law and med schools for the first time during their student elections, noted the superior quality of the facilities. Riots by undergrad students called for "EQUALNESS FOR UNDERGRADS!" and "GIVE US A DECENT LIBRARY, OR GIVE US DEATH! OR IN THE ALTERNATIVE, GIVE US FREE BEER ON THURSDAYS LIKE YOU GUYS GET!"

The riots culminated as students toppled the Hippo Statue, outside Lisner auditorium. Said one angry anti-establishment undergrad, Jim Anderson, "Trachtenberg said it's a Hippo for Hope - yeah, whose hopes? ever notice the hippo looks like a pig? Capitalist pig! Also known as RICH DOCTORS AND LAWYERS!" Jim Anderson intends to run his father's multi-million dollar frozen yogurt emporium after completing his undergraduate degree in art history.

The Quad prepares for battle with undergrads