Saturday, February 24, 2007

1Ls Duped Into Taking Exams, Attending Lame Events; Beer, Pizza Suspected Culprits

GW 1Ls are fighting mad. From boring speakers, student organization meetings, exams, or comedy sketches, 1Ls are starting to notice that beer and pizza are being used as a type of "bait-and-switch." "We feel duped - we are starting to notice a trend," said Amy Holfpenfeffer, a 1L who went to Cornell for undergrad. "The signs all over campus say 'FREE BEER' and when we get there, we have to, like, do OTHER STUFF - how free is that?"

Said Matthew Wilkins of Rhode Island, "I guess I didn't make the connection until tonight - I followed the beer signs like usual - you know, the open tap, or the Thirsty Thirsty signs, or the Bar Review signs - except it was for a Saturday night, and I seem to recall a picture of a lady who looked like South American Communist dictator. Anyway, I get to the FREE BEER and instead, they made me watch this thing called LAW REVUE. I think it was a Mary Cheh lecture or something. It reminded me of last semester - I was promised free bar in December and lo and behold, I had to take something called a FINAL EXAM first."

Some 1L "conspiracy buffs" think the scam goes all the way to the top of the SBA administration. Said 1L Pavel Chekov, "They train us like Pavlov, man, the moment we walk in the door - they train is to stand in line with the promise of free pizza and beer. Sometimes, I just see a line, and I stand in it now - I can't help myself - I don't even know what the line is for... I ask the guy next to me, and he doesn't know, either. This type of sophisticated brainwashing - it can only be the [SBA] government."

While no direct evidence supports Pavel's theory, some have noted that the SBA's budget leaks pizza and beer money like a sieve. Said Andrea Smith, "Didn't the SBA, like, raise $3.20 by selling Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches to send people to help with Katrina? How much is the pizza and beer budget?"