Saturday, March 31, 2007

Hepatitis Outbreak Traced to Wheelie Bags

A recent hepatitis outbreak at GW Law School has been traced to the rampant use of "rolling backpacks."

Asked how the so-called "wheelie bags" were responsible, a CDC official explained "students wheel these things across urine-soaked public restroom floors, through the Metro - and then put them up on the desks and tables that other students eat off of."

Because of the infestation, the CDC has ordered GW students to wear hazmat suits on campus between classes, and have confiscated all wheelie bags.

Wheelie bag proponents have responded with outrage at the accusations and the seizure of the wheelie bags. "I am OUTRAGED! How will I justify riding the elevator from the First to the Second Floor without people giving me shameful looks?!"


A recent tape from Osama Bin Laden claimed responsibility for GW Law School's decline from 19 to 22 in the US News 2007 Law School rankings. According to the tape, "My Foggy Bottom Al-Qaeda agents have successfully stolen enough books from your Burns Library to drop your school from 19 to 22... Now that you are out of the top 20, you will all end up as personal injury attorneys! [diabolical laughter]"

According to translators who listened to the tape, another voice then can be heard whispering to Bin Laden, "Sir, most of GW's graduates already DO become personal injury lawyers... it's their CDO, sir... it's just not that great."

One unnamed CIA analyst surmised that Osama may have orchestrated the crash because "he has already taken responsibilty for every damn thing that's gone wrong - 9/11, anarchy in Iraq, the Housing Market bubble bursting, Dancing With The Stars - law school rankings were all that were left."

Mormons Throw Thirst Thursday Kegger; Deny Root Beer to Underaged 1Ls

While co-hosting the last Thirsty Thursday, the Mormon law society "J. Reubens Clark" had to play hardball with several underaged 1Ls attempting to sneak access to the Old Dominion Root Beer keg.

Said one Reubens representative, "I feel for these kids, but the law is the law. I can't in good conscience go willy nilly handing out a hardcore beverage like root beer or, dare we consider it, ginger ale, to an underage student. What if that student decides to drink and ride the metro? That would be on my conscience for the rest of my life."

The Reubens initially offered the Root Beer with an ice cream "float" option, though the ice cream ran out early - to the sadness of many of the law school's sober constituents.

According to one student, "I can't drink root beer for religious reasons, so I was really excited about the ice cream. I was going to order a Virgin Root Beer Float - you know, a Root Beer Float, hold the Root Beer - but they ran out of ice cream too early."

GW Law Professor Exhumes Sinbad's Body; Comedian Sues for Battery

GW law professor Jim Starrs, who is set to exhume Houdini's body to determine if Sir Arthur Conan Doyle of Sherlock Holmes fame had him poisoned, is being sued by comedian Sinbad for battery. Professor Starrs reportedly attempted to perform an exhumation on Sinbad.

At a press conference, Professor Starrs presented "incontrovertible" medical evidence that Sinbad was, in fact, deceased prior to the exhumation. "Just check out his profile - the last thing he did that looked like it had a pulse was that 1996 movie Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote, Jingle All The Way ... The apparently erroneous report I read on Wikipedia that he was dead was just a confirmation."

Sinbad commented on the experience of being exhumed alive, "That's some scary stuff, man, coming at me with like a knife and some chemicals and tubes up my nose. That's emotionally distressing."

SBA Monarchy Builds Palace Office

The new SBA monarch has turned the SBA Office into a palace, with
to luxurious trappings including golden curtains, life-size Roman statues, and free-flowing candy for officers.

Said the SBA Press Secretary, "this palace isn't about self-aggrandizement - this is about providing the amenities that the SBA officers have earned through hard work, loyalty, and siphoning off funds from your tuition."

The SBA assured auditors that no funds were unnecessarily spent on the construction of the palace. "Just like the ancient Egyptians doled out beer to numb the pain of forced labor building the pyramids, so do we promote Thirsty Thursday, Bar Review..."

In other news, the Mock Trial board, EJF, ELA, the ADR Board, and the Government Contracts Journal have agreed to work together to purchase a new stapler. "This joint endeavor was clearly necessary given our already stretched budgets- things like paper aren't free" said the incoming president of ADR.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Law School Secedes From University; General Lawrence Rallies Troops on Quad

The Law School joined the School of Medicine in its bid to secede from the GW Undergrad University. Said General Lawrence of the decision, "The time has come when we must stand with our brothers in the professional schools -in opposing the tyranny wrought upon us by the Undergrad Institution." James Scott, Dean of the Medical School, called on "our brothers in the Business School to join us in this fight - stand no longer on the fence! Join us now in the fight for liberty, for justice, for upper-middle class values!"

The rift between the undergrad institution and the professional schools began when GW undergrad students, visiting the law and med schools for the first time during their student elections, noted the superior quality of the facilities. Riots by undergrad students called for "EQUALNESS FOR UNDERGRADS!" and "GIVE US A DECENT LIBRARY, OR GIVE US DEATH! OR IN THE ALTERNATIVE, GIVE US FREE BEER ON THURSDAYS LIKE YOU GUYS GET!"

The riots culminated as students toppled the Hippo Statue, outside Lisner auditorium. Said one angry anti-establishment undergrad, Jim Anderson, "Trachtenberg said it's a Hippo for Hope - yeah, whose hopes? ever notice the hippo looks like a pig? Capitalist pig! Also known as RICH DOCTORS AND LAWYERS!" Jim Anderson intends to run his father's multi-million dollar frozen yogurt emporium after completing his undergraduate degree in art history.

The Quad prepares for battle with undergrads

Kerr, Banzhaf To Star in Reality Shows During Sabbaticals

Professors Kerr and Banzhaf will each appear in reality TV shows during their upcoming sabbaticals - Professor Orin Kerr will be a contestant on next season's "American Idol" and Professor John Banzhaf will appear on "Survivor: Lubbock."

Said Professor Kerr, "Since I was a kid, I've been a huge fan of Donny Osmond, so I'll be performing two

of his biggest hits - Soldier of Love and Puppy Love. He's really my inspiration for this. I get my courage to kind of branch out beyond the legal profession from him. He's really had a vibrant, multivaried career himself."

CBS is pleased to have a law professor of Mr. Banzhaf's caliber appear on "Survivor: Lubbock." According to CBS, "We're taking the show to the next level with this season - Lubbock, Texas is one of the most dangerous locations in the world - cockroaches, poor people, Texas Tech University fraternities and sororities, and Piggly Wiggly grocery stores - these are all challenges that our savvy contestants like Mr. Banzhaf, Esq. will face."

Anthropologists and ecologists are concerned about the impact that filming the season of Survivor will have on the Lubbock ecosystem and indigenous inhabitants.

CDO Hires Fired US Attorneys

The US Attorneys recently fired by the Bush Administration are now working in various capacities within the GW CDO. On why he accepted the job, former US Attorney John McKay said, "I am disappointed with the president. I am disappointed with the attorney general. But mostly, I am disappointed that I am now flat-ass broke, and $10 an hour sounds pretty good."

John McKay, wearing a poor man's shirt

Former US Attorney Carol Lam said she is "happy" doing data entry in the CDO Library - "According to my DOJ performance reviews, I have just the right skill set for this job - prosecuting mob bosses and international terrorists was way beyond my capabilities, obviously."

Most surprising are the rumors that former US Attorney David Iglesias, after only a week as the "CDO door welcomer guy," has muscled his way into the number two position in the CDO and is making a play for the top spot. "He has such a baby face, we weren't expecting this type of machiavellian politics," said one insider, who then retorted, "ironically, as a US Attorney, neither was he..."

BabyFace Iglesias

GW Allows Homeless To Sleep In Moot Court Room In Exchange For Exam-Grading Services

In response to faculty complaints about “low pay and long work hours,” exacerbated by the stress of grading student exams, The Dean’s Office has launched “Operation: Home-more” which will offer DC homeless persons the opportunity to live in the Burns Moot Court Room in exchange for their exam-grading services. According to one professor, who asked to remain anonymous, "I teach a course a week and earn a paltry $500,000, and they expect me to grade 80 exams within 2 months?!"

The GW federalist society initially opposed the plan based on hygiene concerns. “Our founding fathers were concerned with the tyranny of the unwashed masses – as originalists, we cannot support a plan which will allow the unwashed masses into our bathrooms to, you know, become washed masses. We must maintain them as unwashed.”

In response to those concerns, the Dean’s Office installed G-World card swipers to all first floor bathrooms. When the homeless complained that the swipe-card access violated the agreement, the Dean’s Office responded, “read the fine print – if they wanted use of bathroom facilities, they should have contracted for them. We are, however, willing to give the homeless residents free parking in the Faculty Parking as consolation.” One homeless Moot Court room resident retorted, “yeah, well let’s see ‘em put card swipes on all those plastic plants!”

SBA News in Brief: Beer, Not Taking Exams, Guide New SBA Policy-Making

* * * *
Disappointed by the administration's lukewarm response to efforts to establish a "Flexible Exam Schedule" under the old administration, the new SBA is now considering a "Flexible Exam Swap." According to inside sources, system would allow students to take each other's exams or hire a third party to take exam "when a conflict arises."

Asked for comment on the new proposal, many 1Ls were elated. Said 1L James Wilson, "The policy says conflict??! Not scheduling conflict, right? Hmm is conflict in my Black's Law Dictionary? What if my conflict is that I didn't study, does that count? Hmm..."

* * * *

The SBA president-elect is demonstrating early on the value of a prestigious top-tier legal education with the new "Beer Tab Initiative." "It has become evident to me from my Criminal Procedure and Constitutional Law II courses that we, as a government, are failing our constitutional obligations," said the president-elect. "When I skimmed through my Legalines outline of Gideon v. Wainwright, it seemed the clear rule of law that a government is obliged to pay for the rights of its constituents - and it occurred to me - how many law students out there have the right to beer to anesthetize them from the woes of law school, but just haven't taken out enough in law school loans? That's where the student government's constitutional obligation, it seems, kicks in." The new administration hopes to implement the "Charity Beer Tab" shortly after inauguration.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Bob Woodward: Supreme Court Justices Play Naked Twister, Ginsburg "Very Limber"

Almost three decades after Bob Woodward's groundbreaking inside-look at the Supreme Court in The Brethren resulted in complete radio silence by Court insiders, Bob Woodward has again breached the Court's veil of secrecy with a follow-up book, Brothas and Sistas.

Said Woodward, "I am very proud of the investigative journalism of this book. This book required dozens of interviews with clerks, anonymous Justices, and approximately 200 hours hiding inside Clarence Thomas' coat closet - I was worried that he would sense I was emanating on his penumbras."

One of the most startling revelations of the piece is that upon being made Chief Justice, William Rehnquist implemented a more "congenial, collegial" system to resolve close ideologically split cases, in an effort to mend harsh feelings left on the Court by his predecessor Warren Burger. Said one anonymous Justice, "Bill suggested naked Twister - he and Sandra Day learned it back at his Stanford days when they were dating."

Justice Rehnquist - clothed.
Another Justice, requesting anonymity, said, "when I came onto the Court in the late 80s, I was suspicious of Naked Twister for the ideological cases, given my conservative Catholic background, but I was surprised how much tension it relieved. You know how awkward it normally is when you start a new job? Not at the Supreme Court!! And as a bonus, I could channel all my Catholic guilt from our Naked Twister sessions into some GREAT DISSENTS."

Woodward said, "The Naked Twister tradition goes a long way toward explaining some of the more interesting culture war and ideology cases of the last 20 years - Cleburne, Romer, Lawrence, Roper, Bush. The liberals are just more limber - we can only surmise why - and after losing the game, one of the 'conservatives' had to side with the liberals. Kennedy generally loses the spin. Also, Ginsburg is the liberal's 'MVP' - she used to be heavily involved in gymnastics throughout high school and is still very limber. Rumor has it that Bill Clinton explicitly recruited her for that reason. We also learned that she twisted her ankle the week before Bush v. Gore - one can only imagine what the outcome would have been if she had been at the top of her game."
For GW students, Woodward's revelations bring a new level of intrigue to the recent Van Vleck competition entitled "THE ROAD TO ALITO," leaving many GW'ers asking themselves, "Is that really a road I want to walk down? Naked Twister with Samuel?"

"Dear Gabby" Scoops on Friedenthal's Wrinkles, CDO's Impotence

NOT THE BENE is proud to introduce advice columnist and answer guru Gabby Eastlake. Email her your questions at

Dear Gabby,

I'm the biggest civ pro groupie and Jack Friedenthal's book really gets me going. I'd like to know how old Jack Friedenthal is...? He has this cuddly Yoda look to him! -Infatuated 2L

Dear Civ Pro Fetishist,

Our dearest fertile octegenarian was born in 1931, which makes him 76. We agree that he is cuddly - but we wonder about your Star Wars Yoda reference - our John Lim Fan Club reports that Jack looks more like a Star TREK "ferengi" character than a Star Wars character. You be the judge!

Dear Gabby,

I am a 1L and I missed the meeting explaining what the CDO is. Can you enlighten me?
-Confused 1L

Dear More Likely to Get a Job,

First, kudos! You already figured out that "mandatory meetings" are better spent playing Nintendo Wii. Let's get down to the basics. CDO stands for "Career Disappointment Office." They give great advice about what skirts and ties to wear to interviews, but that's about it. For the rest of your employment needs, you're more likely to get a job if you keep doing what you're doing - skipping their meetings and using your time more wisely. But remember, even when you do land that sweet gig as a pro bono environmental attorney in Lake Woebegone, Minnesota, thanks to all your own hard work, the CDO will claim in their statistics that you got the job as part of their "Fall Interview Program."

Cart Lady Busted for Cartelization, Price-Fixing; Claims Framed by Uptowner Cafe

Federal prosecutors arrested the Cart Lady this weekend for engaging in cartelization in violation of the Sherman Act, and also on federal racketeering charges. Prosecutor Sam Jensen said, "we have a strong case against Ms. Cart Lady - have you ever noticed that all the overcooked, three day old hot dogs down H St cost the exact same amount? She has been leading the other cart vendors in price fixing for years."

The charges challenge the cuddly image of the Cart Lady, who was honored by an SBA bill in 2004. According to, "students love her. If you are short on cash she'll feed you if you promise to pay her back later." Said Prosecutor Jensen, "sure she's easy to love if you promise to pay her back - but do you know how much a $1.50 soft pretzel costs after 20 weeks of 500% interest?? The Cartel enforcers aren't as easy to love."

Asked for comment, the Cart Lady responded, "Uptowner Cafe FRAMING me! They stealing my customers! They selling hot dogs $.99! and giant Pretzels with low-grade mustard! That MY TRADEMARK item!"

Uptowner Cafe declined comment.

Lameduck SBA Announces Online Law Journal, New Academic "Scholar" Distinction

Fighting back accusations that the recent SBA elections have left the current administration politically "toothless" to achieve its original goals, the SBA is swinging back with a whole new series of radical initiatives, packaged as the “Resume Revolution.”

• The SBA is pushing the administration to implement the "Leslie R. Caldwell Scholar" distinction to recognize the “academic excellence of the top 96%” of the GW class.

According to the SBA Press Secretary, "The SBA sees this Scholar distinction as a necessary remedial action to represent the vast silent, unrepresented majority of the GW student body. It's like Senator Roman Hruska once said, 'there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers and they are entitled to a little representation... We can't have all Brandeises, Cardozos, and Frankfurters.'"

Leslie R. Caldwell, Distinguished GW Alum

- Wearing Brandeis' Favorite Suit

• Due to the logjam in efforts to bring another journal to the school, the SBA is pushing ahead with a new “online” academic journal where students and professors can self-publish their academic work. The SBA Press Secretary expressed confidence the jouiurnal would havea a democratizing voice in legal academia. "We're tossing around ideas for what to call this innovative idea but tentatively, we think we might call it a blawg…” The online journal will be hosted at Students and professors interested in publishing should contact

"We have heard rumors that Alex Long - just the type of Professor we think represents our target audience - is interested in publishing his long-awaited critique of the use of pop lyrics in judicial opinions and law review articles."[1]

When asked how a self-publishing online-journal would provide GW students with more resume opportunities, the SBA Press Secretary responded, "we haven't ironed out all the details of our non-traditional journal - sure, we won't need traditional 'editors' and we won't 'review' material before it's published, but let's not forget the truism we have learned from the last three SBA elections: MORE JOURNALS = MORE JOBS. We feel in our gut that that this journal will somehow equal more jobs."

[1] Long's statistical analysis of the use of pop music in legal cases has been hailed as "landmark" and "unorthodox." For example, Long writes "Paul Simon’s numbers are somewhat inflated because [] people sometimes cited just him [ ]when, in reality, the proper cite should have been to Simon & Garfunkel. I probably could have corrected for these kinds of mistakes, but I figured that Simon and Garfunkel already have enough friction in their relationship without me adding further to it. Plus, it would have meant more work for me." According to law professor John Dosen of Columbia, "This is radical - other lawyers pretending to be statisticians, what we call the classical school, would have just excluded Garfunkel via a footnote with an obscure reference to the Erie doctrine."

Cake Baron Buys E Building Name Rights; Stands As Symbol of Courage for All Who Want to Get the Hell Away From Legal Practice

GW students will soon hold courses in “CakeLove 101” due to a recent agreement reached between the law school and GW Alum Warren Brown.

Brown famously graduated with joint degrees from GW in Law and Public Health in 1998 with the goal of being a "reproductive health" advocate. After an enthralling half-year career with Health and Human Services, Brown "made a New Year’s resolution for 1999 [to] drop [his] fear of flour and learn the best ways to work with sugar."

Said Brown, “We’re really excited about the move. I just felt like now was the time to show my loyalty to my GW roots. Whenever I visit the law school, I’m inspired by the bake sales – the Criminal Law Society, the International Law Society, the Animal Rights Society – everybody bakes at this school!”

The CDO filed a formal protest with the sale of the naming rights. The CDO statement said, "The CDO has long had a policy discouraging students from abandoning student internships. The fact that Mr. Brown quit his 1L summer internship after 3 weeks sets a dangerous precedent for our students."

According to a JDBliss interview with Mr. Brown, the internship "was just all wrong... I thought [a few close colleagues would] tell me I should be ashamed of myself for quitting, but instead they all congratulated me for having the courage to do it. That experience helped give me the confidence to leave the law."

As part of the deal, Brown and the school will install a CakeLove factory in the basement of the old E Building. Students will have the opportunity to utilize the factory and work with Brown by enrolling in a 3-credit “CakeLove Pro Bono Clinic” where they can prepare baked goods for discrete and insular minorities.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Lexis Rep Jealous, Creates Own Buffy Vampire Slayer Series

When Lexis Rep Natalie Timmers found out that her archnemesis Westlaw rep John Lim is starring as Sulu in an off-off-Hollywood fan-based Star Trek series - called STAR TREK NEW VOYAGES - she felt a twinge of jealousy. Said Timmers, "there's this stereotype that legal database reps are boring, dull, geeky people. John goes and breaks that stereotype with this Star Trek thing." Timmers' envy is well-founded - 66% of GW Law students surveyed said that starting your own Star Trek series was "cool" while only 33% said it was "weird - borderline nutty."

According to movie website, the series is a "'non-official' Star Trek incarnation, Paramount Pictures []owns the name and the rights to Star Trek [and] agreed to allow the producers of New Voyages to make these episodes on the condition that no profit was to be garnered from the show." The Editors of NOT THE BENE call on John Lim to make a full and complete accounting of Star Trek New Voyages, to assure complete compliance with this agreement - one can only imagine the profit potential for the series that might entice Mr. Lim and associates to play games with the Paramount Deal.

Said Timmers of the project, "My predecessor Tom O'Donoghue left Lexis to run for Congress as a Republican. Now Lim does this Star Trek fan-series thing -am I the last geeky, boring legal database rep at the school?!"

Never one to be outdone, Natalie Timmers decided to start her own para-TV series, starring herself as "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Asked about the status of the project, "We're still in casting - I want the law students out there to know that the role of Angel is still available!"

John's IMDB profile can be found at
John can be seen in a Star /trek fan episode on YouTube at

Supreme Court Replaces Justices with Actors

After coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith burial trial and Britney "shavegate" overshadowed many of the Court's major decisions for the term, Chief Justice John Roberts announced a new plan designed to put the Supreme Court squarely in the spotlight by making the Court "rad" and "tubular" - justices will be phased out in public appearances, such as oral arguments, with Hollywood actors.

Chief Justice Roberts said he was inspired by the success of the recent Geico commercials which pair real customers and celebrities to tell their auto insurance stories. While casting is still in progress, the Chief said, "we feel really excited about the choices we have made so far - with Scalia, we decided to pick two actors, because he is so mercurial - Platt, for the serious Scalia, and Brad Garrett (famous as the brother from EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND), for the more congenial and humorous Scalia." Inside sources say Platt was actually chosen after the Italian-American Garrett/Scalia wouldn't stop throwing his arms in the air and yelling from the bench, "EVERYBODY LOVES ROBERTS! EEEVVVERYBODY LOVES ROBERTS!"

The Court has released the following glamour shots of the Associate Justices and actors who have been tentatively selected to replace them:

1Ls Duped Into Taking Exams, Attending Lame Events; Beer, Pizza Suspected Culprits

GW 1Ls are fighting mad. From boring speakers, student organization meetings, exams, or comedy sketches, 1Ls are starting to notice that beer and pizza are being used as a type of "bait-and-switch." "We feel duped - we are starting to notice a trend," said Amy Holfpenfeffer, a 1L who went to Cornell for undergrad. "The signs all over campus say 'FREE BEER' and when we get there, we have to, like, do OTHER STUFF - how free is that?"

Said Matthew Wilkins of Rhode Island, "I guess I didn't make the connection until tonight - I followed the beer signs like usual - you know, the open tap, or the Thirsty Thirsty signs, or the Bar Review signs - except it was for a Saturday night, and I seem to recall a picture of a lady who looked like South American Communist dictator. Anyway, I get to the FREE BEER and instead, they made me watch this thing called LAW REVUE. I think it was a Mary Cheh lecture or something. It reminded me of last semester - I was promised free bar in December and lo and behold, I had to take something called a FINAL EXAM first."

Some 1L "conspiracy buffs" think the scam goes all the way to the top of the SBA administration. Said 1L Pavel Chekov, "They train us like Pavlov, man, the moment we walk in the door - they train is to stand in line with the promise of free pizza and beer. Sometimes, I just see a line, and I stand in it now - I can't help myself - I don't even know what the line is for... I ask the guy next to me, and he doesn't know, either. This type of sophisticated brainwashing - it can only be the [SBA] government."

While no direct evidence supports Pavel's theory, some have noted that the SBA's budget leaks pizza and beer money like a sieve. Said Andrea Smith, "Didn't the SBA, like, raise $3.20 by selling Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches to send people to help with Katrina? How much is the pizza and beer budget?"

Socrates Wants Socratic Method Back; Sues for Injunctive Relief

Korean Scientist Dr. Hwang announced today that he successfully cloned 5th Century BCE philosopher Socrates. Socrates, for his part, quickly adapted to 21st century life by hiring a cadre of lawyers to sue law professors everywhere for stealing his Socratic Method.

In a press conference, Socrates asked reporters, "When did law professors begin to use the Socratic Method to teach, and how pervasive is the use of this method in American schools? How essential is the Socratic Method to the the education of law students? If the Socratic Method is so endemic and beneficial to law students' education, how much compensation am I owed for its theft?"

Legal analyst Greta Van Grace said, "I think we can expect a very protracted discovery process for this case - lots of interrogatories on both sides, for sure."

Radical Liberal GW Feminists Sell Valentines, Baked Goods - Look Forward to Knit-Offs

GW feminists said they are pleased with the results of their wildly successful Valentines fundraiser, following the less-successful bake sale fundraiser. Said one Feminist Forum member "We couldn't think of a better way to spread the message of feminism than associating feminism with baked goods and Valentine's Day... we were a little worried it would make us look radical, but we are proud to wear the 'liberal' badge."

Spirits were low among GW feminists after the failed Bake Sale commemorating Roe v. Wade. "Apparently, no one wanted to buy cookies that were only half baked," said one Bake Sale member.

GW feminists are ready to plan their next stereotype-busting fundraiser. "We are thinking of either knitting mittens and scarves for orphans in sub-saharan Africa, or holding an 'Ice Cream and Grey's Anatomy' social to raise awareness for the plight of iPod-less law students."